Fear of Weight

One of the things I fear is gaining weight. I hate it, even if it's just a pound or two, because in my head it means more. It starts with one or two, which leads to three or four, which leads to being overweight.

I weigh myself more often than I should, but I feel that it keeps me in check.


I fear when the time comes that I become pregnant and gain baby weight. I am afraid that I will be one of those miserable moms-to-be who hate how they look and feel ugly no matter the circumstances. I know that when the time comes my husband will tell me to shut up because I'm beautiful and carrying our child. I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself, since I am nowhere near ready to having a baby, but I know that being pregnant comes with being fat. Now, I know it doesn't happen to everyone, there are some lucky bitches who gain only in their belly and remain thin everywhere else, but as someone who has always battled with their weight, I know that being pregnant will be another body image battle for me.


I recently gained a couple of pounds and I am perplexed because I've been eating better and working out more often. I've gotten myself into a groove. I always eat breakfast, I pack a healthy lunch to bring to work (which 99% of the time consists of a yogurt, apple, carrots, banana), and I go to the gym 4-5 times per week.

I know muscle weighs more than fat, so it could be the muscle, it probably is the muscle. Because my clothes fit the same, if not a little looser, I look at myself in the mirror and don't look fatter, but seeing the number on the scale rise makes me cringe. I nearly screamed when I stood on it and saw the number go up instead of down like I thought it would.

I also know that I sound crazy and paranoid, or overdramatic, but it's fear. Fear causes us to react in different ways. Being afraid of gaining weight is no different than being afraid of heights or spiders. Something we try to avoid or reduce happens to us, and causes us to panic. The fight or flight instinct kicks in.

*Editor's note: This post was originally drafted in the summer of 2013. Thoughts of then do not necessarily reflect the writer's thoughts now.